Style Virb

Howdy. My name is T. J., and last week I had Jordan post some of my theories. I’ve volunteered to help post some content for the site. I intend to post a variety of pieces, and I am certainly open to suggestions for what kind of content you’d like on the site. And I hope you’re ready, because I’ve got a big story for you today.

I present to you a world exclusive. Security has been exceedingly tight on this one. Initially it seemed that JJ had planned a sort of Alternative Reality Game (ARG) for Cloverfield/1-18-08 akin to the ones he did for Alias and Lost, where through the game a controlled release of information would flow. So far it has been very quiet and there are rumors that any leak of information will be dealt with serious consequences. I am going out on a limb by presenting this to you, but straight from the set, I give you the very first interview with Cloverfield’s monster.

TJ: First off, this is an awkward way to start an interview, but what should we call you? Monster seems a little vague.

Monster: Does anyone enjoy being called a monster? I know everyone wants to be that guy who asks the tough questions, but I shouldn’t feel like I’m on trial here. My PR firm didn’t tell me that you guys were going to be so mean.

TJ: No, I meant, what’s your name?

Monster: Oh, well, it is supposed to be a secret.

TJ: What are we supposed to call you?

Monster: Well, I have been watching plenty of Mr. Ed reruns lately, and I’ve become rather fond of the name Wilbur.

TJ: Okay, Wilbur. Ahem, we have some theories I wanted to discuss. The fans would be very remiss if I didn’t ask some of these questions.

Wilbur: Go right ahead.

TJ: Are you Cthulu?

Wilbur: Honestly, I’m not even sure how you pronounce Cthulu. I’ve head Ka-choo-loo, but how do you get that from Cthulu? Seriously?

TJ: If you’re not Cthulu, are you Dagon perhaps?

Wilbur: Are you suggesting there is something fishy about me?

TJ: There are rumors you are some sort of sea monster apparently.

Wilbur: Do I smell like some Long John’s Silver gone bad? Look, I’m not Dagon or Cthulu but it seems like those two get a lot of credit for the stuff I do, which is weird. They supposed to be subtle and creepy. I ripped the Statue of Liberty’s head off. Not exactly subtle. Still, I wonder who does their PR. I should consider switching firms.

TJ: Why exactly did you rip the head off the Statue of Liberty?

Wilbur: She’s French.

TJ: Ouch.

Wilbur: It was pretty disappointing. She’s smaller in real life, and she was like those chocolate Easter bunnies. She was all hollow on the inside. No tasty creamy center.

TJ: Are you a lion?

Wilbur: No, the studio already did a picture about a lion in New York called Madagascar. I really admire Ben Stiller’s work, except for Zoolander that is.

TJ: So, does that rule out Thundercats and Voltron?

Wilbur: I was talking to the studio execs, and they said there is absolutely no better way to adapt a children’s beloved cartoon for the masses than to release a scary trailer about someone devouring New York. I tried auditioning for that Thundercats movie, but they were all like, “have you ever partied with Lindsey Lohan? We don’t even know who you are.” I hear Paris Hilton is a lock to play Cheetara. AICN has the scoop.

TJ: But in the trailer, some people think they hear something say, “I saw it! It’s a lion! It’s huge!”

Wilbur: Duh! 401 Broadway? Lion King is right down the street, and that show is absolutely huge. I mean, it is a real tour de force. I can try to get you tickets.

TJ: What about these Ethan Haas rumors?

Wilbur: What rumors? I heard that Ethan Haas was right. I heard Ethan Haas was wrong. Then there are these puzzles and games and some stuff about the end of the world.

TJ: So you have nothing to do with Revelations?

Wilbur: Frankly, I enjoy games, but the games on his site were a little dark for my taste.

TJ: Is that a clue? You like games? Is this Rampage: The Movie?

Wilbur: Why do people have to put colons in titles? That annoys me.

TJ: You’re dodging the question. Is that a yes?

Wilbur: Nope, there is just one monster in this movie. Maybe in the sequel.

TJ: Does that mean you live at the end of the movie?

Wilbur: Even I haven’t seen the whole script, but if I get punk’d out by Matthew Broderick the way Godzilla did, I’m walking. They can CGI that in, but I’m not doing it.

TJ: What is your relation to the Slusho drink? Why do people call you a parasite?

Wilbur: I’m under a gag order from Slusho’s lawyers, and I resent being called a parasite. I like to feel that I give back.

TJ: In what way? You destroy New York City.

Wilbur: And in the process, the New York Yankees.

TJ: But hasn’t the “destroy New York” thing been done before?

Wilbur: Yes, but no one ever finishes the job. My mother always taught me not to do things half-way. I tear that place up. That’s how I roll. I’m like Rosie O’Donnell on a Big Mac.

TJ: Are you going to miss Rob?

Wilbur: Actually I plan on hitting him with the Chrysler Building, but main characters usually live through most of the movie.

TJ: Is this movie tied into Lost in way shape or form?

Wilbur: I always thought that Felicity lent itself more to a big screen adaptation.

TJ: Point blank, is this tied into any other JJ Abrams projects?

Wilbur: The cat is already out of the bag, so I might as well confirm it. As you may know, AICN is throwing a big fit about how they had the whole story first. Now they’re apologizing for revealing so much early on. All you have to do is put the pieces together. Early reports on AICN suggested that Cloverfield was just a fake title for his real project, which is the truth. We all know that JJ Abrams has been prepping a movie for some time, that he has kept very secret. It has been rumored that he would cast no-names for the movie, since they’d have to replace famous actors. And you’ve heard from set reports how I’m an alien, right?

TJ: No, it can’t be!

Wilbur: You humans are so illogical. After I blow up the city that never sleeps, a Vulcan ship swoops down and then we get it on like Donkey Kong. This is the big Star Trek prequel/reboot that everyone has been waiting for. It was supposed to be secret, but even Shatner and Neemoy have been letting stuff slip. JJ will confirm it at Comic-Con. I need to learn how to do that Vulcan split-finger thing.

TJ: Well, this has been informative. Thanks for your time.

Wilbur: Not a problem. I need to finish off the lower-east side, and then I’m going to hop up on Myspace and see if anyone friended me yet.

Please leave your thoughts, speculations, and suggestions for what you’d like to see in the future!